I would say that most of us know where we stand on most of the issues we hold dear. We know what our beliefs are and what causes we are attached to. However, as we get older the Psychological Noise gets louder and louder.
What is Psychological Noise you ask?
Psychological Noise are internal noises that keep us from hearing ideas outside of the views, values and preconceived notions we have about something. Stereotypes are Psychological Noise, so are prejudices.
When is the last time you really knew both sides of the same story? When is the last time you got your news and information from a new, but also credible source?
I personally think that having all the information can really help you know if what you believe is personally true.
My father is a great patriot and a pretty conservative Republican. He by no means is any type of right wing nut. And even though we do not always see eye to eye on on all issues, my father is well informed. On a daily basis he reads two different newspapers, watches the local and national news and on top of it watches news feeds from the BBC, Al Jezeera, and a few other foreign feeds. My father does not watch sensational "news" shows like Fox News. He does not find them credible.
So whether my Dad and I are in agreement over something is not here nor there. I respect his views because he is well-informed.
So here is the challenge: The next time you read a news story that interests you, get coverage on it from a few different sources. Maybe those sources even disagree with how you feel about it. Then see how taking in other views on the same issue challenge you or reinforce you.
Or
Sit down this week with a friend who you know holds a different view or value than you do on a given topic. This is not to have an argument but to simply listen to their point of view and gather their information. The goal is not to convince them to change their mind or for them to convert you. All it is meant for is for you to ask respectful questions and listen to their answers.
This one takes a little work and possibly some discomfort, but as with all our challenges it will be worth it.
Have a great weekend!
Friday, August 3, 2012
Sunday, July 29, 2012
The Deficit is Growing
No this is not a post about the financial crisis. I, by no means, know enough about economics to write a post about that. What I want to talk about it is a cheeseburger. Well that, and some other things.
Last night, after a long day of work, (both at my regular job and an event I was paid to do) I brought home In N Out for my husband and I. I asked him how he liked his burger and he responded with, "I appreciate you bringing in food. But I only wanted a cheeseburger, not a Double Double." (He was sweet and kind about it.) A small mistake on my part and not a big deal in the long run, but it hurt me last night to hear that. What made it worse is that I went to bed not knowing why it hurt. But as I lay there trying to figure out why such a small thing had hurt me so much, I looked back over my day.
Work had gone well by all accounts, except for one of my bosses. Throughout the day, he had made quite a few snarky comments in regards to things I had asked about. I got to the point where I just stayed to myself yesterday because his mood and attitude was effecting mine.
Then after work, I attended a wedding in which I had been hired to MC the evening. All went well except at one point in the evening, after some things had been changed around, I had announced dessert would be served shortly. What I had forgotten was there was another course yet to be had. A member of the couples family came up to me and snapped at me about it. I quickly corrected things, but spent the rest of the night a little on guard.
But then I looked back over the week and I realized that many of my interactions with people had been fairly negative this week. From grumpy customers who were mad at themselves for losing an item to the people I work with whose interpersonal conflict spilled through the rest of the office. This week had not been filled with warm fuzzies and affirmations. This week had been filled with the things that drain a person. And so of course at the end of the week, it had drained me. I fell asleep last night being in the red, emotionally overdrawn from the interactions of the week. Even though there was nothing I could do about it last night, being aware of why I was feeling so hurt about a cheeseburger, made me feel better.
Here's the thing about a lot people though, they don't know that they are walking around in the red. They are sensitive or hurt or angry day after day and week after week and they don't know why. They interact with the same people in the same places who tear them down a little more each day and they have no idea how to change that. There is often no one in their daily life who thanks them or affirms them.
I'm not saying that we all need to walk around hugging every person just in case they might be hurting. (That could be awkward.) But I am calling for a genuine response to people. If we ask some one how their day is, we need to actually listen to their response and not use the question as a formality. Because whether you want to admit it, we all want people to listen to us. If we want people to listen to us, we need to listen to them. We need to be more genuine when we ask questions and be ready for a person's answer. If we can work to keep each other out of the red, we can begin to build each other up little by little and all feel stronger for it.
Think of it as the idea of "30 Second Community." We don't have to spends hours with a person to make them feel a part of something. A lot of people don't even feel like they are part of the world around them, much less a smaller more intimate community. If we can take just 30 seconds and use someones name or genuinely ask them about their day, we can have a communal moment. A time when you and that person connect and acknowledge one another. Then we can begin to have 30 Second Communities in the places we go on a regular basis. Whether that be the coffee house we visit every day or the grocery store we visit once a week.
I know that 30 seconds may not seem like much, but it can change a person. Think about how small kindnesses have effected you when you really needed it. Let's start building these small communities and watch the change. It will change you and it will change them.
Last night, after a long day of work, (both at my regular job and an event I was paid to do) I brought home In N Out for my husband and I. I asked him how he liked his burger and he responded with, "I appreciate you bringing in food. But I only wanted a cheeseburger, not a Double Double." (He was sweet and kind about it.) A small mistake on my part and not a big deal in the long run, but it hurt me last night to hear that. What made it worse is that I went to bed not knowing why it hurt. But as I lay there trying to figure out why such a small thing had hurt me so much, I looked back over my day.
Work had gone well by all accounts, except for one of my bosses. Throughout the day, he had made quite a few snarky comments in regards to things I had asked about. I got to the point where I just stayed to myself yesterday because his mood and attitude was effecting mine.
Then after work, I attended a wedding in which I had been hired to MC the evening. All went well except at one point in the evening, after some things had been changed around, I had announced dessert would be served shortly. What I had forgotten was there was another course yet to be had. A member of the couples family came up to me and snapped at me about it. I quickly corrected things, but spent the rest of the night a little on guard.
But then I looked back over the week and I realized that many of my interactions with people had been fairly negative this week. From grumpy customers who were mad at themselves for losing an item to the people I work with whose interpersonal conflict spilled through the rest of the office. This week had not been filled with warm fuzzies and affirmations. This week had been filled with the things that drain a person. And so of course at the end of the week, it had drained me. I fell asleep last night being in the red, emotionally overdrawn from the interactions of the week. Even though there was nothing I could do about it last night, being aware of why I was feeling so hurt about a cheeseburger, made me feel better.
Here's the thing about a lot people though, they don't know that they are walking around in the red. They are sensitive or hurt or angry day after day and week after week and they don't know why. They interact with the same people in the same places who tear them down a little more each day and they have no idea how to change that. There is often no one in their daily life who thanks them or affirms them.
I'm not saying that we all need to walk around hugging every person just in case they might be hurting. (That could be awkward.) But I am calling for a genuine response to people. If we ask some one how their day is, we need to actually listen to their response and not use the question as a formality. Because whether you want to admit it, we all want people to listen to us. If we want people to listen to us, we need to listen to them. We need to be more genuine when we ask questions and be ready for a person's answer. If we can work to keep each other out of the red, we can begin to build each other up little by little and all feel stronger for it.
Think of it as the idea of "30 Second Community." We don't have to spends hours with a person to make them feel a part of something. A lot of people don't even feel like they are part of the world around them, much less a smaller more intimate community. If we can take just 30 seconds and use someones name or genuinely ask them about their day, we can have a communal moment. A time when you and that person connect and acknowledge one another. Then we can begin to have 30 Second Communities in the places we go on a regular basis. Whether that be the coffee house we visit every day or the grocery store we visit once a week.
I know that 30 seconds may not seem like much, but it can change a person. Think about how small kindnesses have effected you when you really needed it. Let's start building these small communities and watch the change. It will change you and it will change them.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
We All Have 5.5 Liters
It's been a while since the last post and to be honest, I've been a bit uninspired. I've run into other things doing some of what The Returning Dignity Project strives to do and it left me feeling like the work was already being done and that the project could not come close to living it's purpose.
I don't write all that to be a downer, but I write to be honest and vulnerable. And yes, although there are things that already look a little like us here at The Returning Dignity Project, they are not us.
The mission of this project is what I lost sight of, to touch people's lives through, genuine, everyday interactions and to grow from there. If we can take 30 seconds to look away from our own needs and look at the needs of others, then 30 seconds turns into one minute and one minute turns into 5 minutes and then minutes turn into hours. And in all that time whether it is seconds or hours, we are making a difference.
I met a woman today named Martha who is a therapist. Twice a year she hosts giving parties where people donate a $25 gift card to gain admission to a night of food and entertainment. She then takes those gift cards and gives them to different non-profits or people in need. She has been doing these parties for 23 years! Martha started these parties as a way to repay the kindness people showed her when she was a struggling single mother of 3.
Although Martha is just one person she is helping so many. And if we left it all up to Martha, not as many people would he helped.
So yes, there may be other people out there who are doing close or maybe exactly what we are doing, but it's not all on their shoulders and it's not all on the shoulders of The Returning Dignity Project. Those of us who want to and need to help, those who are in need of help, all need to share the burden.
We are from the same race, the human race. And as Narayanan Krishnan talks about in his video for CNN Heroes, we all have 5.5 liters of blood.
So pardon the absence of The Returning Dignity Project, we got a little caught up in the lie that we didn't matter. And the truth is, that we do matter and any help in changing someones life for the better matters.
I've posted the video below before, but meeting Martha today and watching this video again of Narayanan Krishnan, brought the truth back into focus.
Have a great week. Start by using someones name and you start making a difference.
I don't write all that to be a downer, but I write to be honest and vulnerable. And yes, although there are things that already look a little like us here at The Returning Dignity Project, they are not us.
The mission of this project is what I lost sight of, to touch people's lives through, genuine, everyday interactions and to grow from there. If we can take 30 seconds to look away from our own needs and look at the needs of others, then 30 seconds turns into one minute and one minute turns into 5 minutes and then minutes turn into hours. And in all that time whether it is seconds or hours, we are making a difference.
I met a woman today named Martha who is a therapist. Twice a year she hosts giving parties where people donate a $25 gift card to gain admission to a night of food and entertainment. She then takes those gift cards and gives them to different non-profits or people in need. She has been doing these parties for 23 years! Martha started these parties as a way to repay the kindness people showed her when she was a struggling single mother of 3.
Although Martha is just one person she is helping so many. And if we left it all up to Martha, not as many people would he helped.
So yes, there may be other people out there who are doing close or maybe exactly what we are doing, but it's not all on their shoulders and it's not all on the shoulders of The Returning Dignity Project. Those of us who want to and need to help, those who are in need of help, all need to share the burden.
We are from the same race, the human race. And as Narayanan Krishnan talks about in his video for CNN Heroes, we all have 5.5 liters of blood.
So pardon the absence of The Returning Dignity Project, we got a little caught up in the lie that we didn't matter. And the truth is, that we do matter and any help in changing someones life for the better matters.
I've posted the video below before, but meeting Martha today and watching this video again of Narayanan Krishnan, brought the truth back into focus.
Have a great week. Start by using someones name and you start making a difference.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
It Has A Name Other Than Addiction
I know there hasn't been a lot of challenge posts lately, I guess right now I just feel led to post about some the things going on that I think effect people and their connections to one another. Those types of things are the other part of this project.
Over the weekend, Amy Winehouse was found in her apartment in England dead of an apparent drug overdose. It saddened me to see how quickly people played Monday morning quarterback to her death, pointing out how much they just knew this would happen. How easily people dismissed her as just another junkie.
My guess is these people have never faced addiction themselves or loved someone who has faced addiction.
Addiction, in any form, is an illness. If people with addictions could stop, they would, but they can't. That's what makes them addicts.
So many people I have known and so many people I love have suffered from some form of addiction. Thankfully, many of them work their programs and pursue their recovery and win the battle over their addiction every day. Not everyone is so lucky.
I know what it is to be the enabler on the other side, hoping that you will be enough for them to quit. It's a very hard lesson to learn it's not up to you.
When someone chooses recovery over addiction, most times they have to change their entire life.It all depends on how far they fell in the first place. But I cannot imagine how hard it must be to try and rid your life of something that wants to kill you when people are offering it to you all the time in order to become your pal. This is what many celebrities face as they try and pursue recovery.
And if you have never encountered those with addiction, please know the addiction is often the symptom of something greater. Pain so deep that numbing yourself to it seems like the only answer.
I lived with a Heroin addict for six months. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. He was my best friend and his own worst enemy. He started using drugs very early on to deal with the pain of the molestation that he had suffered at the hands of a family member during his childhood.
The time we lived together was during his second shot at sobriety. And I use the term sobriety loosely.
I would come home to find rambling notes on my door about how Heroin was the only love he really knew and that if he could just "fall in love" one more time, life would be better.
Sometimes he would get drunk and fall asleep in my bed, leaving me to go into his room and sleep in his.
Most mornings I would have to wake him up in order for him to make it to work. And part of that early morning ritual would involve taking heavy stage makeup to his arms so his track marks wouldn't show.
Those are just brief and not too graphic glimpses into those 6 months.It was a very hard time in my life, not just because I had no idea how to deal with what was in front of me, but to watch someone you love slowly killing themselves.
After he moved out, he found out he was positive with Hep C and he made a third attempt at sobriety that I heard stuck. Last I knew he was married and living in Arizona. I think about him often and hope he is pursuing recovery and working his program. I pray that their are no troubled phone calls to his family that only have terrible news on the other end.
My friend is someones husband and someones brother and someones child. He has a name and a life, not just an addiction.
Amy Winehouse along with so many other people who have been claimed by addiction were someones child, sibling and love.
If you have lived with addiction, you can identify with some of the things I am writing about here.
If you don't identify with me, that's fine. But this project is about us being better human beings to one another. We cannot do this if we only treat each other as a condition and limit people to their lot in life.
As a society, we need to embrace people and their brokenness. We need to give people power to reclaim themselves in the face of illness. We need to give people back their dignity even if it they gave it away for a high.
Over the weekend, Amy Winehouse was found in her apartment in England dead of an apparent drug overdose. It saddened me to see how quickly people played Monday morning quarterback to her death, pointing out how much they just knew this would happen. How easily people dismissed her as just another junkie.
My guess is these people have never faced addiction themselves or loved someone who has faced addiction.
Addiction, in any form, is an illness. If people with addictions could stop, they would, but they can't. That's what makes them addicts.
So many people I have known and so many people I love have suffered from some form of addiction. Thankfully, many of them work their programs and pursue their recovery and win the battle over their addiction every day. Not everyone is so lucky.
I know what it is to be the enabler on the other side, hoping that you will be enough for them to quit. It's a very hard lesson to learn it's not up to you.
When someone chooses recovery over addiction, most times they have to change their entire life.It all depends on how far they fell in the first place. But I cannot imagine how hard it must be to try and rid your life of something that wants to kill you when people are offering it to you all the time in order to become your pal. This is what many celebrities face as they try and pursue recovery.
And if you have never encountered those with addiction, please know the addiction is often the symptom of something greater. Pain so deep that numbing yourself to it seems like the only answer.
I lived with a Heroin addict for six months. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. He was my best friend and his own worst enemy. He started using drugs very early on to deal with the pain of the molestation that he had suffered at the hands of a family member during his childhood.
The time we lived together was during his second shot at sobriety. And I use the term sobriety loosely.
I would come home to find rambling notes on my door about how Heroin was the only love he really knew and that if he could just "fall in love" one more time, life would be better.
Sometimes he would get drunk and fall asleep in my bed, leaving me to go into his room and sleep in his.
Most mornings I would have to wake him up in order for him to make it to work. And part of that early morning ritual would involve taking heavy stage makeup to his arms so his track marks wouldn't show.
Those are just brief and not too graphic glimpses into those 6 months.It was a very hard time in my life, not just because I had no idea how to deal with what was in front of me, but to watch someone you love slowly killing themselves.
After he moved out, he found out he was positive with Hep C and he made a third attempt at sobriety that I heard stuck. Last I knew he was married and living in Arizona. I think about him often and hope he is pursuing recovery and working his program. I pray that their are no troubled phone calls to his family that only have terrible news on the other end.
My friend is someones husband and someones brother and someones child. He has a name and a life, not just an addiction.
Amy Winehouse along with so many other people who have been claimed by addiction were someones child, sibling and love.
If you have lived with addiction, you can identify with some of the things I am writing about here.
If you don't identify with me, that's fine. But this project is about us being better human beings to one another. We cannot do this if we only treat each other as a condition and limit people to their lot in life.
As a society, we need to embrace people and their brokenness. We need to give people power to reclaim themselves in the face of illness. We need to give people back their dignity even if it they gave it away for a high.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
My Friend Margot
Before I set forth any more challenges, I wanted to salute my friend, Margot Harvey.
Margot passed away on June 29th after a short battle with cancer. I found out two days afterward when her amazing daughters Mary Leigh and Katherine came to tell me at the jewelry shop I work at. (Margot loved jewelry.)
I could tell you facts about her life. Like that she was the 12th of 13 children and that Margot had a PhD. But I want to share about the Margot I knew for the past 6 years.
I met Margot and Mary Leigh while I worked for Starbucks. They were daily customers and I still know how to make their Chai Tea Lattes to this day. Margot was always in a cute jump suit in the mornings and Mary Leigh was usually dressed for work. Margot knew each one of us on the morning crew by name and always remembered us at Christmas and on our birthdays. As a barista, it was striking how quickly they came to know me and ask the same questions I asked of my customers everyday.
Margot and Mary Leigh found out I also worked in jewelery and became some of my best customers along with Katherine. They wouldn't just come in to buy something. If they were in the area they would just stop in to say hello. Often times, Margot would come by with great thrift store and consignment buys she thought I would love.
Not only were Margot and the Harvey girls customers they became friends.
Life got tough two years ago when Margot lost her husband Don. He was the love of her life and she the love of his.She never fully recovered from losing him.
But after winter there is spring and Margot got so excited when Mary Leigh got engaged in 2009. I love remembering us being all together to celebrate this time. Margot had so much fun at Mary Leigh's shower which was a Tupperware Party hosted by a drag queen named Kay Sedia. And she looked so radiant as the mother of the bride in January of 2010 at Mary Leigh's wedding in San Diego.
What made Margot so special is that she treated everyone with kindness and like a worth while human being. She always spoke to people, not matter what their lot in life, with respect and dignity. It's part of what made her an amazing lawyer, but what truly made her a person people wanted to know and be around.
I got the chance to sit with Mary Leigh and Katherine and a few of the other Harvey friends a few nights after Margot passed. It was so amazing to see old photos and listen to old stories and learn about parts of Margot I didn't know.
I had seen Margot last in February and she looked amazing. She looked the best I had seen her in a while. She was full of energy and joy. Mary Leigh and Katherine told me in the week before she died, she told them that she had to come see me. Sadly, I didn't get that visit.
I keep her photo in my room and I say hello to her and talk to her a bit during the day. I know she's not in the photo, but I know she's around.
This isn't by any means my most eloquent post, but it is something I wanted and needed to share.
I write about Margot here in the space for the Returning Dignity Project because that's what Margot embodied. It's the legacy that her and her late husband Don, raised their girls to live. It's a legacy that everyone who knew her has been touched by.
I miss Margot so much, but her actions and attitude continue to inspire me and to inspire this project.
Rest in peace Margot and I pray you and Don are together loving each other fiercely.
Margot passed away on June 29th after a short battle with cancer. I found out two days afterward when her amazing daughters Mary Leigh and Katherine came to tell me at the jewelry shop I work at. (Margot loved jewelry.)I could tell you facts about her life. Like that she was the 12th of 13 children and that Margot had a PhD. But I want to share about the Margot I knew for the past 6 years.
I met Margot and Mary Leigh while I worked for Starbucks. They were daily customers and I still know how to make their Chai Tea Lattes to this day. Margot was always in a cute jump suit in the mornings and Mary Leigh was usually dressed for work. Margot knew each one of us on the morning crew by name and always remembered us at Christmas and on our birthdays. As a barista, it was striking how quickly they came to know me and ask the same questions I asked of my customers everyday.
Margot and Mary Leigh found out I also worked in jewelery and became some of my best customers along with Katherine. They wouldn't just come in to buy something. If they were in the area they would just stop in to say hello. Often times, Margot would come by with great thrift store and consignment buys she thought I would love.
Not only were Margot and the Harvey girls customers they became friends.
Life got tough two years ago when Margot lost her husband Don. He was the love of her life and she the love of his.She never fully recovered from losing him.
But after winter there is spring and Margot got so excited when Mary Leigh got engaged in 2009. I love remembering us being all together to celebrate this time. Margot had so much fun at Mary Leigh's shower which was a Tupperware Party hosted by a drag queen named Kay Sedia. And she looked so radiant as the mother of the bride in January of 2010 at Mary Leigh's wedding in San Diego.
What made Margot so special is that she treated everyone with kindness and like a worth while human being. She always spoke to people, not matter what their lot in life, with respect and dignity. It's part of what made her an amazing lawyer, but what truly made her a person people wanted to know and be around.
I got the chance to sit with Mary Leigh and Katherine and a few of the other Harvey friends a few nights after Margot passed. It was so amazing to see old photos and listen to old stories and learn about parts of Margot I didn't know.
I had seen Margot last in February and she looked amazing. She looked the best I had seen her in a while. She was full of energy and joy. Mary Leigh and Katherine told me in the week before she died, she told them that she had to come see me. Sadly, I didn't get that visit.
I keep her photo in my room and I say hello to her and talk to her a bit during the day. I know she's not in the photo, but I know she's around.
This isn't by any means my most eloquent post, but it is something I wanted and needed to share.
I write about Margot here in the space for the Returning Dignity Project because that's what Margot embodied. It's the legacy that her and her late husband Don, raised their girls to live. It's a legacy that everyone who knew her has been touched by.
I miss Margot so much, but her actions and attitude continue to inspire me and to inspire this project.
Rest in peace Margot and I pray you and Don are together loving each other fiercely.
Monday, June 27, 2011
I'd Like To Speak To The Manager
I bet if I asked you what your worst dining experience was, you could tell me. I can definitely tell you. It happened at a Melting Pot in Irvine, CA. I wont fill you in on all the details, but it was so bad it caused me to write a letter, not an email, but a letter to their corporate office and to their Irvine location as well. I received no response from them and in turn I have never returned to any of their establishments.I've worked in customer service for a long time. So please know, that if I am so upset at a restaurant that I wont go back, that the experience was horrific. That being said, I also have a lot of grace for servers and staff at restaurants because they are dealing with a constantly changing variable known as the public.
We all have a story or two like mine. A story that starts with the hope that we were going to have a pleasant dining experience and instead turned into a nightmare. It's easy to complain about forgotten drink orders and burgers being too well done.
But when is the last time you shared with people a really extraordinary dining experience? When is the last time that you filled out a comment card with positives, praising your server for his or her friendliness?
So here is Challenge #5 in the Returning Dignity Project:
This week I want you to highlight and share your positive service experiences. Whether it's at a restaurant, bank, or at a store. Any place your would receive customer service. If someone gives you great service and a great experience, leave a comment card, talk to their manager, take the overly long phone survey. These small things make all the difference to people who constantly come face to face with people focusing on the negative aspects and not the positive ones.
It catches people so off guard, that many times, when I have spoken to the manager about a positive experience, they are surprised because usually they are only there to receive the complaints.
If you wanna take it a step further post your positive service experiences on our Twitter feed @retrningdignity or on your feed on on your Facebook.
Here's a true example from Sunday night for you:
"I want to compliment Andy at the Meat House in Costa Mesa. Last night was out first time in that butcher shop and he made the experience great with his genuine spirit and information about their products!"
See, so easy.
Have a great week and enjoy building up those who serve you every single day!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
A New Challenge for A New Week.
Word had been getting more out about The Returning Dignity Project. That gets me really more and more excited about the whole thing.
The whole idea of this project is to make everyday personal interactions more genuine..
I have been thinking about the old adage, "That was the straw that broke the camel's back." The idea that something so small is the thing that finally pushed an already exacerbated situation over the limit.
I think many times we all say things or do things that are snarky or mean and don't think about the true consequences of those words or actions.
What if making a quip about someones relationship was the final dig they "needed" to go and end that relationship? What if a sarcastic comment to someone only rooted them more in shame?
Do we want to be the straw that breaks any one's back?
This is your challenge for the week...
When the temptation comes up to be harsh, sarcastic or dismissive; instead take a step back and work on saying something to build up that person or be supportive of them in a genuine way. This way we can help lessen each others load and make the day or even just the moment a little bit easier.
Happy Tuesday everyone and I look forward to seeing how challenge #3 unfolds for everyone.
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